Thursday, April 23, 2015

how to milk a unicorn

1. Find a female unicorn. Both male and female unicorns have horns, so you’ll have to look between the legs, just in front of the anus, to identify the sex. A male unicorn will be hung like a horse. If you discover a gigantic penis down there — you’ll know it when you see it — keep looking for another unicorn to milk.

2. Tie one end of a length of sturdy rope around the handle of a pail. Tie the other end of the rope around your non-milking arm. This balances your pail when you're milking. Kneel on one knee and place the pail on your other knee.

3. Unicorn nipples are retractable and must be coaxed from the udder by the sucking action of baby unicorn lips. Once the nipple has emerged, ease the baby unicorn’s mouth from the udder, being careful to keep its head in close contact with its mother’s haunches, otherwise the nipple will slide inside. Work the nipple with a thumb and an index finger, torqueing the nipple as you squeeze and tug it.

4. Unicorn milk begins to ferment immediately upon exiting the udder and is pleasantly alcoholic, slightly sour like cloudy beer or tangy horse milk. But as the fermentation proceeds, the milk quickly acquires laxative properties, even if you refrigerate it, so drink it as soon as possible. To extend the shelf life of fresh unicorn milk, churn it into butter or make cheese from it.

photo credit: stefan kuhn