Q: Tell me what you were like before the stroke, in terms of how you handled emotions.
A: I was very domineering, very in control.
Q: Type A, would you say?
A: Oh yeah. I had an entire office I had to run. Computers, everything had to be just so. Now that I’ve had time to see the other side. I see a better side. You know, life isn’t all about getting your job done for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. I’d been seeing a chiropractor for a long time for neck problems, shoulder problems, back problems. But it was stress. I knew I was stressed out, stressed out to the max.
Q: What does that mean? What did that feel like? What did that look like?
A: I went home every Friday evening after work, after working all day for 8 to 10 hours, then an hour drive home, and literally on Friday at 7 o’clock, I was in bed, trying to sleep with a pain pill. I was in bed all day Saturday with a pain pill, in bed all day Sunday with a pain pill, having to get up on Monday and forcing myself to go in to the office. That went on for about thirty days straight, and it just seemed like there was no relief.
Q: I want to talk about some of the things that we did in my group. Tell me what you learned from that experience.
A: What I really learned was, I had very high anxiety. I didn’t know why I was constantly burning up, why I couldn’t sit still. I didn’t realize it was my brain constantly trying to find answers to some of these questions, problems I couldn’t find the answers to. Now I’ve learned how to see that. If something doesn’t involve me, I just let it go. I think that’s one problem everyone has. They can’t let go of the stress, and it gets the better of them.
When you taught me the breathing exercise, I started doing that at night. Then when you mentioned to try it on the drive in, I found a nice station that plays soft music, and I actually started looking around as I’m driving. You know, just a quick glance ahead at how pretty the trees were, how this place has a lot of horses, and so on. I never stopped and smelled the roses all around me.
Then you started playing those bird sounds. For me all those natural sounds used to be really annoying to me. I used to think,” Why won’t those birds shut up?” But now I like to sit out in the backyard with my son, and we listen to the woodpeckers on the telephone pole, and he plays for us, and the squirrels run up and down the telephone poles. The dog sits under the telephone pole and annoys all the neighbors with his barking. The squirrel comes down to tease him and runs back up and comes back down.
Q: It sounds like you’re noticing . . .
A: Life. I was in too much of a hurry before the stroke. I never noticed life.
Q: What effect did this have on your anxiety?
A: It gives me peace of mind. It lets me know I need to slow down. I need to enjoy. My mom, she’s just like I used to be. She’s going a hundred miles an hour and doing everything. So when I go and see her, we sit in the two rocking chairs like old ladies, and I tell her, “Let’s just sit here and rock, no conversation, and just breathe.” We just sit and breathe. Who would have thought that in the evening I could just sit there with my window open, with a warm cup of tea, and just look out the window with no TV on? When a family member comes in and asks me why I’m sitting in the quiet, I tell them I’m just gathering my thoughts and having a cup of tea. A friend and I started sitting outside on the patio and watching the animals and having tea, sometimes visiting, sometimes just sitting. It’s comforting to just sit with someone, and you don’t really need to talk.
Q: Is that a new thing for you?
A: Very.
Q: You would have felt uncomfortable doing that before?
A: I was never ever comfortable in a room without the TV on, never comfortable without the radio on, never rode in the car without the radio on. Why would you ride in the car with no radio? Now I notice the quiet and the peace, the sound of the tires, the wind through the window. I made it turn around for myself, and I feel more at peace. The anxiety isn’t gone, but before, I couldn’t even be in a crowd. I couldn’t be in the noise. I couldn’t be anywhere. The noise drove me crazy. Now I know how to find my breath and look around the room and kind of take it all in. Then I can decide where to go from there. I find things that give me peace. I’ll go to the dog park and watch the dogs run around. I’ll go to a playground and watch the kids play. It’s about finding things that give you peace. And finding peace inside.